Should I ignore the men in the family masturbating?

Recently, my son's visits have often been locked. It seems he's masturbating while looking at his smartphone, and I get the feeling that even dad sometimes does such things. Should I just pretend not to notice these men...

It is a common concern expressed by mothers of adolescent boys. Masturbation during adolescence is no longer considered an issue, and as they become adults, the frequency naturally decreases. Providing a box of clean tissues in the room and openly acknowledging that they know about it can be a helpful approach. Watching adult videos, often called "porn," is also part of the developmental process during puberty, but if it becomes habitual during masturbation, it can be problematic. This may lead to distorted perceptions of sexual relationships and women.

There are men who masturbate even after marriage. At the 2006 Korean Urological Society Academic Conference, it was announced that the frequency of masturbation among married men varies with age, but the average was an unexpectedly high 48%. The main reason was dissatisfaction with their sex life. Wives often misunderstand their husband's masturbation as rejection of themselves, which tends to worsen the marital relationship, but such reasons are not common. Most cases involve acts driven by sexual urges that cannot be contained within an unsatisfactory marital relationship. However, when masturbation becomes habitual and the frequency increases, it becomes increasingly difficult to return to a normal marital relationship.

In fact, men and women in their 20s are no different in terms of sexual curiosity or desire. However, men, even as they age, develop strong sexual urges physiologically after a certain period of time without ejaculation. On the other hand, women tend to experience a decline in sexual desire as they age and have less sexual activity, leading to a decreased desire for sexual intercourse.

The problem is that men and women (mainly men) who have partners and regularly watch adult videos and masturbate tend to make actual sexual intercourse with their partners more difficult. Real sexual activity is not about selfishly pursuing superficial stimulation. Because a partner's arousal ultimately provides strong sexual stimulation for oneself, the process of caring for and satisfying the partner also excites me. As a result, through the ultimate sexual pleasure, feelings of maternal or paternal love towards the partner become abundant, and a strong bond based on trust is formed. This should be understood as body language—learning the partner's true feelings through physical connection. However, regularly consuming pornography leads to becoming accustomed to exaggerated female sexual responses that are impossible to encounter in reality, gradually raising expectations for sexual stimulation in real life. Additionally, in real life, there is a tendency to prioritize one's own sexual pleasure without respecting or considering the partner, as if dealing with women in pornography. When the wife rejects this, it leads to frustration and a cycle of indulging in more biased pornography and masturbation, eventually resulting in pornography addiction. The recent sharp increase in sexless couples is not unrelated to this.

The solution may seem simple, but in reality, it is very difficult. First, if you directly confront your husband, you might be able to stop his pornography use and masturbation, but such an approach often worsens the relationship between the spouses. This is because the relationship has already deteriorated. Due to this state, initiating conversations that were not previously happening or increasing intimacy through awkward skinship is not easy. Therefore, both men and women hope that the other will take the first step and attempt to improve the relationship, but it is precisely because they have only been expecting this that no conversation has started so far. If the other person had the will, this situation would not have arisen. Dissatisfaction with the couple's sex life, regardless of the reason or degree, is a problem for both partners. So, if you expect the one with more faults to start, there will be no improvement. It is right for the person who feels the need for change to take the first step. Lower your expectations for the other's response, and confirm whether both of you share the same goal of resolving this issue, rather than criticizing. Recognize the other person, and approach the process or method not as a matter of winning or losing, but as a shared long-term goal to resolve the issue together.

However, the first step for men is the complete prohibition of masturbation and watching pornography. Regular masturbation decreases sexual desire for the wife, and regular pornography makes it impossible to maintain an erection without stimuli beyond those videos. Meanwhile, the wife must absolutely recognize and encourage her husband's efforts, even if they are lacking.

You might wonder if it's possible to just live like this. A couple can live together without much conversation and in a distant manner. However, we understand well the value of physical and psychological connection and consideration for each other based on trust. The fact is that such a plain life, to the point of questioning how close people can be, can be incredibly enriching. That is why these two people got married—to enjoy and cherish this value.